Resolve

My first memories of Church are laying down in the pew of New Pilgrim Baptist Church, my head in my mother's lap and sleeping. I do remember being in the choir and going to practice. Beyond that, I don't have any recollection of church. And because of that, Church had never made a lasting impression. That was until my mother converted to Catholicism. I felt at home in the Catholic Church. Church finally meant something. (It also meant service only lasted an hour.) I enjoyed the process of being confirmed in the Catholic Church and even became an altar server. I felt, and still do feel, that the Catholic Church is where I belonged.
I liked it's preachings of Grace and forgiveness. There was no mention of fire and brimstone, and I rarely heard the word hell. I liked it's emphasis on charity and having a strong faith along with living a good life. I liked it's charitable work and it's desire to help the less fortunate. Despite it's shady history, which every Church has, the good things always outweighed the bad.
When the scandal about the Priests molesting altar boys and girls became public, I was all of a sudden thrown into a unexpected internal debate. Can you have respect for a faith without respecting some of its representatives. I wondered if I should leave the Church. Then the controversy began to fade. And now it's come to the forefront again with the Pope and the possible covering up of Priest misconduct in Germany. Now I'm thinking about it again.
I love what the Church represents. I even enjoy the meditative nature of Mass. But this has got me questioning my choice to be Catholic. And I wish I knew what to do. This controversy should diminish my love of the Church but it doesn't. I remind myself on what the Church was built on, and try to ignore the political involvement and abuse of power. Those things are extremely difficult to ignore.
I try to keep in mind the Church's deep love for Christ and people, but everyday it becomes harder considering the violation of so many people due to Priests. Buried beneath all of this shit, is a good faith at it's core. It just got turned around by people who chose to ignore a problem and choose not to do what's necessary for the victims of these horrendous crimes. It breaks my heart.
But I realize that I have invested my heart and faith in God, not in Priests. They are supposed to be representatives of God, and some have taken it upon themselves to betray that role. I understand that they are human, but it is disgusting. Not just the fact that some Priests molested children, but also the Church's subsequent non-reaction by trying to hide it. They had to know it would come out sooner or later.
I don't want to leave my Church. Despite everything, that is where I feel most comfortable. The Catholic Church has given me so much, and it hurts to know that at the same time it was giving me faith and love, it was stripping others of those things. I really think the Church needs to reevaluate Canon law. Sometimes I believe the Church forgets that, despite Priests' calling to be messengers of God's word, they are still human and that humanity cannot be replaced by divinity. That humanity remains despite their vocation. Despite their vows, those desires and affinity to imperfection will always exist.
It is a frustrating dilemma, but one I am prepared to endeavor. I believe that the Church can turn back to God and remember its number one priority, which is to spread Christ's word. I believe the Church will recover, but it needs to recognize its mistakes and repent for them. The Church is not above doing the wrong thing, and now would be the perfect time for it to show its dedication to the people it has sworn to lead and represent, not to the protection of its reputation and disreputable Priest.