The Last 10

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. One of the most important parts of improving your writing skills is to read...a lot. So in the last 4 months I have read 10 books. That may not sound like a lot but considering all of my school work and my internship, I think 10 is good. So I'm taking the time to give a little review of the last 10 books I have read. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn- This classic was fantastic. A good writer has to be able to tell a good story and this was a great story. It was well written and you connected with the characters immediately. When I was done, I realized why this is considered a classic. I would definitely recommend it. I couldn't put it down. I didn't want to. A Purity Myth- I usually don't read a lot of nonfiction but when I heard about this book on Anderson Cooper's show, I had to read it. The purity myth discusses purity balls. During these balls, young girls promise their virginity to their fathers until they are married. Jessica Valenti presents an intelligent discussion about the sexualization of girls in our culture. She makes the argument that by basing a woman's purity on her virginity, we are perpetuating the sexualization of young girls. We are making their sexuality the thing that defines them which can be dangerous to the development of their identity. I found the book an easy read and extremely intelligent. Cat of the Century- Okay, so this isn't a Pulitzer Prize winner. But it is a fun and interesting read. My mom bought me this when I was in the hospital. I have a cat named Boo and I love him. So my mom thought this book would be perfect. If you want an easy and relaxing read, pick it up. Back to Work- This was one of my other endeavors into the world of nonfiction. This is a book written by Bill Clinton about what can be done to get the economy going again. It was insightful and full of good ideas. It was nice reading what a former President, who actually did bring the country out of recession, would do in this current situation. It provided a much needed perspective concerning how to improve the economy. That Used to be Us- This was a book assigned by my Policy professor. It discussed how the United States has gotten to its current state. There are too many discussion points to mention in just a few sentences, but it did spark intelligent conversations in the classroom. The basic premise is that we need to change how we invest in this country. We need to turn our attention to improving education, creating clean energy jobs, reducing the deficit, and investing in infrastructure projects and research and development. These investments is what got this country to its current state of greatness. Now we have to go back to that in order to improve our current situation and put us back on the right trajectory. The Marriage Plot- I loved this book. I absolutely loved it. Now, I will say, there are a lot of literary references in this book that you may not understand if you don't have a background in literature like I do. But the story is universal. It's sort of a coming of age story about recent college graduates. One of them is trying to handle the man she loves who suffers from a mental illness; he has bipolar. I think Jeffrey Eugenides gives such a realistic and in depth view of what it is like being in love with someone with a serious mental illness. I think he tells such a well-rounded and complete story. I couldn't put it down. When I should have been sleeping, I was up reading this book, anxious to know what would happen next. Middlesex- This is another book by Jeffrey Eugenides. The novel revolves around a young man who is a hermaphrodite. What is so interesting is that the physical abnormality isn't presented as something strange or abnormal. It is easy to relate to this young man's story despite the extraordinary circumstances surrounding his life. It is a great story about trying to find your identity and how to cope with life's difficulties. This author actually does a very good job with pacing the story and not having one of those hurried endings. I can't wait to read his next novel. Freedom- Okay...so...Jonathan Franzen. I was really excited about reading this book considering all of the positive things I heard about him. And I hate to say that I was disappointed. I think the book was average. And even though one of the books on this list was a cheesy mystery novel with some cats and dogs as major parts of the plot, I still enjoyed that book more. Maybe I had too high expectations. I think one of the things that ruined the novel for me was the ending. It was one of those endings that was tied neatly in a bow. I hate that. I think he is a good writer but the story was extremely scattered and at some points I thought the plot was all over the place. It was a pretty good book but I truly wanted more. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close- Exceptional writing. Those are the two best words to describe this novel. It could have easily been about 9/11. Jonathan Foer could have easily made 9/11 the focus of the plot but I found myself forgetting about the event and concentrating on the characters. I thought Oskar was so intoxicating as a character. I laughed, I cried and I got angry in this book. To be honest, he was the writer that made me feel a little insecure about my own. He was funny when he needed to be and serious when the occasion called for it. I can't wait to read something else he has written. I would definitely recommend this novel. I was hooked after the first paragraph. The Hunger Games- Again, not a Nobel prize winning novel but it is a good read. The book is extremely fast paced and a lot happens in such a short novel. Sometimes I wondered if it was too quick but I did take into consideration that it was the first of three novels and there was time to learn more about the characters. But, I didn't get invested in them. I think the plot moved too fast for that. But I'm just going to assume that as I read through the rest of the trilogy, I will become attached to Katniss or Peeta. I think it is a good, but not necessarily original, story and the first one made me want to read the rest of them. That is the point after all. This is how I would rank them, 1 being my favorite. 10. Freedom 9. Cat of the Century 8. That Used to be Us 7. The Purity Myth 6. Back to Work 5. Hunger Games 4. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn 3. Middlesex 2. The Marriage Plot 1. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close In my opinion, all of that hype surrounding Jonathan Franzen really was just hype. But that hype can unreasonably raise expectations, which is possible. And yes I realize all of the nonfiction are clumped together. But I'm a fiction girl. :) Next on my reading list is to finish the Hunger Games trilogy and then read a book I heard about on NPR called Escape From Camp 14. I'll let you know what I think about those.

Rejection

I have always wanted to publish a novel. I will always be a writer but being an author was my dream. I worked hard on my first novel and edited and revised over and over again. And then it was time to find an agent. That turned out to be fruitless. I don't know how many agents I sent my first chapter to. I do know that all of them rejected my work. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. Thanks to James, I found a website that will publish my novel electronically for free. I knew that would be the best route. I just finished my Masters in Social Work and will be starting a PhD program in the fall. Because I didn't want writing to necessarily be my paid career, I just wanted to get my words out there. I wanted people to read what I wrote and be affected by it. (I do also have a dream of my book being discussed on NPR) So it came time to hit that publish button on the Smashwords website. The formatting was done. I had done all of the editing I could without being obsessive. (Most writers will tell you a novel is never done. They can always find sentences to restructure and plot points to change. The key is to get to a place where you have done your best). And it took me hours. Took me hours to hit that button. Why? Because that would open myself up to rejection. My words are like my children. I want to protect them. I want to keep the best possible opinion of them. And I know some people will not like my book. I know there will be people who won't connect with the story. I know this and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this criticism, whether constructive or not, will affect my ability to write. I don't want to lose the confidence in my ability to tell a story. I'm no Philip Roth, Jeffrey Eugenides or Toni Morrison. But I think I'm a good writer. I'm definitely better than Stephanie Meyer (sorry if I offended anyone who is a fan). I just have to have faith in myself. Faith in the thoughts of those who have already read my novel and said it was great. I know my feelings may get hurt but in the business of creativity, it is inevitable that someone will say something critical. I have to be able to read it, figure out if it is beneficial and apply the advice if necessary. I must also believe that there will be more good than bad. That I can tell a story. That if I weren't good and not so motivated to write that I wouldn't be editing my 2nd novel and starting my third soon. One thing I have learned is that you don't have to be destined to just do one thing. I don't have to just be a social worker. I don't just have to be a writer/author. I can be both...and I will. And I can use my passion for writing and helping others. One, I can use my ability to write to make the things I learn about substance abuse treatment available to a lot of people. Secondly, real life makes better stories. And my clients can provide inspiration for good stories (of course I will not break confidentiality). They will also give me insight into what people can relate to. I hope that my first novel does well. I hope that my stories connect to people on the deepest of levels. I hope the beginnings keep them reading and more importantly, that the endings make them want to read my next one.

Empty by Adrienne Baldwin

A clear glass sits
Centered on a table
Stuck to the laminate cover.

Its bottom empty,
Every drop evaporated.

All traces of sweat
From a cold sweetened drink,
Have dried.

No odor
Emanates from its opening.
No lipstick
Colors its rim.

The only evidence
Of humanity’s touch
Are smudged fingerprints
Staining its surface.

It goes unnoticed for days.
Ignored by the dishwasher.
Invisible to a cleaning hand,
And brushed aside for
More important tasks.

It can’t be lifted,
Moved
Or removed,
Not even gently,

For it has been
Still for so long
It has melded to its
Supporting surface.

And it sits
Clearly smudged,
Stuck.
While everything around it
Moves,

Ready to break.

Getting Lost in the "We"

I was single for a long time before my current relationship...like four years. And I was okay with that. I wasn't about to lower my standards just to be in a relationship or not be the only single person in a room. One thing I liked about being single was only having to consider myself in my decisions. Because I know me...I know my personality. I know I have a tendency to put the person I'm with before myself. And well, when this "I" became a "We" despite my independent tendencies, it happened again. And my mom warned me about this. She warned me that in love, it's easy to forget about what you want and what you need for the other person. I've done that. And I can't even blame my boyfriend. He didn't ask me to be super accommodating and considerate. He didn't ask me to manipulate my plans so that they work for him too. Yeah...I wish he would acknowledge it more often, but he didn't ask me to put myself second so I can't be mad at him.
I sit here and I think about my future and he is in it. So much to the point that every night before I go to bed, I think about when he gets off work and plan my entire day's schedule so that I will be done by the time he gets off. So much so that when I decided I wanted to move overseas to Australia after I finish my Ph.D, in doing my research, I found out what would be easiest for him in the profession he wants to be in. I researched how he could do what he wants to do in Australia. And I want to go when I graduate, but he may not be done with school. I automatically just said, "okay...I'll just wait." THAT IS RIDICULOUS!! It didn't cross my mind to ask him to adjust his plans. It is my idea so I feel obligated to do the research, invest all of the energy, make the plans to save money, and adjust my plans because it is MY plan. But I want him in my life so I should be willing to sacrifice for us. Yep...us. I'm not sacrificing for me but for us. And what is he doing?
I am pissed off at myself for being complicit in this. I am pissed because I should know better. In every past relationship I was the one waiting. I was the one being patient. I was the one investing everything I had into something I believed was important. I was the one sacrificing and being the most accommodating and low-maintenance girlfriend on the planet. And they were just being themselves. They were walking around not noticing that in every decision I made, I thought about them. I was the one...making myself less important than the person I was with.
I'm going to have to stop. The "We" has go to go!!! It's nice to picture my life with this person, but it's detrimental to my "self." It overshadows who I am and what I want. I didn't think this was love. I didn't think that in order to be a couple, I had to be compromising. (and making compromises and compromising myself are two different things) It was so much easier when I just loved myself.

Managing my Life...Not Just A Disease

I almost died. Yes...I almost died. Seven years ago I was put in the hospital with a blood glucose of 965; normal is between 60 and 100. After my five days in the hospital and learning how to check my glucose level, give myself insulin shots, and learn new nutritional habits, I was sent home to now manage my new diagnosis of type 1 Diabetes. It is scary sitting in a hospital bed while you are waiting to be discharged and have a doctor tell you that you almost died. It's like now I have to spend the rest of my life trying NOT to die.
I was sad after getting Diabetes. It was and continues to be stressful, frustrating, aggravating, and imposing. Sometimes I sit in my bed and wonder if I really will have to do this for the rest of my life. I ask God for stem cell research to advance in my lifetime so they can finally have a way to regenerate insulin producing cells in the pancreas. Every three days I will have to fill a reservoir with insulin and stick myself with a needle. Every day I have to think about the carbs in what I'm eating, and if I don't know the specific number, take a guess. I have to think about doing what I can so that one day I don't have to have a limb amputated or become blind because I didn't manage the disease well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. There is nothing I can do about this damn disease besides treat it; there isn't currently a cure. I want to live a good life. I want to be as healthy as I can, and so I have to make sure to manage my blood sugar levels. And honestly, it's a never-ending struggle. Managing diabetes becomes more difficult as I get older, so if I don't keep it under control now, it will never be. And let's not talk about the potential dangers and complications when I have children. I don't even want to think about that.
My endocrinologist told me that losing weight would help in managing my disease. (It's interesting that I call it my disease. I own it; it doesn't own me). I have type 1 so it wasn't brought on my weight issues. But, the less you weigh, the less insulin you need. Because guess what; insulin makes you gain weight. So the medication I need to live makes me gain weight, which is completely counterproductive. So now on top of the insulin I take Symlin. It is a medication that does a couple of things. First, it slows the emptying of my stomach so I get full quicker and eat less. And, it only allows half of the sugar I consume to be absorbed into my system. So it helps me lose weight in more than one way. The only bad side effect is that if I eat too much, I will feel bad, like painfully full. Also, the first few times I took it, it made me nauseated. (That doesn't usually happen anymore) So in order to combat the negative side effects of the medicine I need to live, I had to add another medication to my regiment. Sounds fun doesn't it.
Now, the rest of the time I feel like this disease has been a blessing. One thing is that I am definitely more conscious of what I eat. I don't eat healthy 24/7, but even being more aware of it has made me be more careful about how much of anything I put into my body. So many times we go through life on automatic; we do things without even thinking about them. I started just being more aware of my eating habits and that increase in awareness has trickled down to other parts of my life. I feel like I've become more conscious of my existence.
When I eat something now, I look at how much insulin it is going to take to keep my blood sugar normal and I ask myself "is this piece of double fudge chocolate cake the size of a small plate worth it?" The answer is usually no. So guess what...I eat a few bites. (You thought I was going to say no to the cake altogether right?) My doctor never told me I had to give up the things I loved to eat unless I was just completely incapable of self control. I gained self control and now I can have a few bites of cake and be fine. Actually, while writing this blog I was eating some candy corn. A serving of candy corn is 20 pieces so I took the amount of insulin I would need for twenty pieces. After I had the 10th piece, I was done. I'm trying to lose weight so I'm reducing the sweets. The most I eat of any candy is one serving; most times I just have half. As a result, it doesn't take that much sweet to satisfy my sweet tooth anymore. The only reason why I kept eating was because I had already taken the insulin for it and I didn't want my sugar to crash.
There goes another bad side effect to diabetes. Let me tell you...I much rather my sugar be too high than low. The feeling I get when my sugar is crashing is awful. I often can't move because any movement makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. I also get very quiet and very still, and I am easily irritated. The irritation comes from just wanting to feel better again. It also becomes hard for me to breathe. My mom gets the shakes really bad but I don't get those. And after my sugar has returned to normal, I get very tired and sleepy. It's like my body has expended all of its energy trying to return to homeostasis and there isn't any left.
So seven years after diagnosis, I am reflecting on what I have learned. I have definitely learned that a little inconvenience, no matter how annoying, is worth my life. I've learned that I can manage this disease and I have the confidence to do it. And I've learned that it's okay to get annoyed that I have a disease that will potentially be with me for the rest of my life. And I'm finally okay with that...maybe. :)

Did You Miss Me?

I haven't blogged in forever. I missed it; I believe it brought me a sense of peace because I was able to vent and put into words my frustrations with this world, my government, other people etc. Well, I am going to make a concerted effort to blogging again on a regular basis. I know not many people see it or read it...but perhaps something I say will resonate and affect someone's life in a positive way.
What have I been doing?
One, I finished the rough draft of my novel. Yes...you can give a resounding hooray. Now, the annoying part. Writers love to write, but most writers don't like to edit. You create something. Finishing that creation was a task itself. Now, you have to go back and find all of the things that are wrong with it. And if you want to publish, you have to struggle between what would get it published and maintaining the integrity of your work. It isn't easy and finding the balance is essential. I hope to be done editing the first draft by the end of this month and then search for an agent. Which, after some research, has become daunting. There are so many agents out there I don't know where to begin. Luckily, I have an awesome former English professor who is helping me.
Secondly, I started Graduate school Yes...go ahead...give it another hooray. :) The hardest part hasn't been the material itself, but learning to manage my time again. I enjoy the material and I'm a nerd so I enjoy going to class and learning. Despite the having to get up at 7am every Saturday to drive 45 minutes to school, and possibly run into some crazy game day traffic, ROLL TIDE, I still look forward to it every week. Does that make me weird? Also, I've decided to go beyond a Masters in Social Work and get my Ph.D with a concentration in policy. I'm actually excited about the research and writing I will get to do.
Third, honestly, I've been entrenched in my relationship with my boyfriend. I know, it's sad, and I shouldn't let my relationship take over my whole life, but I love him. What can I say? I actually like spending time with him. Isn't that a good thing?
If I'm not doing schoolwork, or working, I'm with him. And I'm not ashamed of that.
Speaking of work, the fourth thing I've been doing is looking for another job so I can quit blockbuster. They just pissed me off a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to get over it. I was going to stay there until I finished Graduate School, but now, I am looking forward to the prospect of leaving. To make a long story short, my District Manager, who is a HORRIBLE person, forced me to resign from my supervisory position because I'm not available to work on Saturdays because of school. Now, I've been in school since June. You come and tell me that I have to be available on Saturday four months later?! I don't think so. I told the store manager in my interview that I wouldn't be able to work Saturdays starting in June and nothing was said. He said that was fine as long as I had a certain number of available shifts total. When my D.M. interviewed me she didn't ask about my availability or tell me about it. So I reported her to the ethics board. Nothing will probably be done but I did my part and I feel good about that. I actually have an interview tomorrow at Brookwood Hospital. I am totally excited and praying that I get the job.
I really feel like so much has gone on. I am now one year older...my birthday was September 19th. My birthday present to myself was a new tattoo. It is beautiful. It took four hours to do, and it's not completely done, and cost a bit of money, but it was worth it. Besides that, I had a very low key birthday which was awesome.
I went on my first vacation with my boyfriend to Savannah, Georgia. That was an amazing trip. It is the perfect place to go if you just want to relax and chill. I can go clubbing and bar-hopping at home. When I'm on vacation, I want to relax. And eat a lot of good food. And let me tell you, there is a lot of GREAT food in Savannah. We stayed like 8 hours longer in the city on our last day just so we could go to Paula Deen's restaurant. And it was sooooooooo worth it; the food was heavenly. I really want to go back to the city soon. It was beautiful and fun.
I got to meet Michele Norris from All Things Considered on NPR. I went to hear her talk about her new book and it was wonderful. Two hours went by so quickly. She is extremely smart and intelligent. I haven't finished her book yet but I'm working on it.
Oh...and speaking of books...my boyfriend let me borrow this book by Robert Jordan called The Wheel of Time. I'm not usually a fantasy novel person, but I enjoyed it. It took me like six months to read because my life has been so hectic. I will say this though. He is like encouraging me to read all of these books he likes. I just haven't convinced him to read the type of books I'm more interested in. I have to admit, my boyfriend is one of those people who tries really hard to get you to like the things he does. He even tries to get me to play his XBOX. I like video games...but I am definitely more of a Wii girl. :)
I did something else and it is directly related to video games. I don't know if I lost my mind for 24 hours but I actually went to Best Buy with my boyfriend for the midnight Halo Reach release. And...played with a Halo Reach sword. And...wore a Halo Reach beanie. And...hold on...wait for it...I encouraged him to play as much as he wanted. I do believe I lost a few brain cells. That is the only thing that could account for that behavior.
And people...I have decided to move to Australia when I finish school. That won't be for a few years, but I am already excited. I feel like I need to get excited about it now so I will always keep that goal in mind and work towards it. I would need to save some money so it's important that I start working towards that now. And since my Ph.D will concentrate in policy, I can work in a little international policy there too. I think that would make me a valuable Social Worker or professor in Australia.
Now, I will tell you. When I told James, he was all for it. But he is so chill about it, it makes me uneasy. I don't know if it's indifference but I needed a reaction from him and I'm not getting one. Honestly, the only thing I've ever seen him get outwardly excited about was Halo Reach and a new laptop his dad gave him. Oh...oh...and a flat screen tv. So I guess I should have expected a blah reaction. It's just his personality; I can't change that. But I need something.
So I guess I've got you all caught up. I'm doing well in school. I'm doing well in my relationship. I've got some great future plans for myself, and I'm looking forward to no longer being an employee of Blockbuster. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well...when it comes to me I'll just write another blog. :)

Let's Just Get Rid Of All The Mexicans

So I've been thinking about this new Arizona law. And...well...no matter how many people tell me it will be effective...I think it is ridiculous and encourages racial profiling. I mean, I thought we had already proven that these types of methods don't necessarily work well. And honestly, if I lived in Arizona, I would want the police focusing their energy on more pressing issues, like finding killers and rapists.
I will say that this measure has only been taken because the federal government has been lax in their immigration reform. But I think this bill is taking it too far and will do nothing to actually control illegal immigration.
Police officers are allowed to ask for a person's papers showing they are legally here only if they pulled them over for something else, like speeding or running a red light. Now, my first problem is that people assume that police in no way shape or form abuse their power. (It's funny just writing that.) And it assumes they won't continue to abuse their power with this new law. (That is even funnier.) I will say, most police are awesome and beyond brave and noble, but some are assholes. I've encountered a few. And it is naive to think that some won't use this law just to exercise their power.
And my major issue will be shown through the following scenario. Let's say you have two illegal immigrants. One is Mexican and the other Canadian. They both get pulled over for speeding. Do you honestly think the police officer is going to ask the Canadian to pull out their citizenship papers? I DON'T THINK SO! The Canadian is going to look "American," whatever that means. So yes, it is racial profiling. There is a focus put on Hispanic immigrants, when there are immigrants from all over the world in this country. They are the only ones being singled out and it isn't fair.
I think the government needs to do a huge reform of immigration. First, I think they need to provide amnesty for the illegal immigrants already here. I know a lot of people think that is ridiculous, but what else are you going to do. I think that would be easier than trying to round up all 20 million illegal immigrants already here and sending them back to their countries. It would also show that America still remembers that this nation was built on immigrants. Unless you are American Indian, your ancestors were immigrants. We need to remember that when we are treating these people like shit instead of human beings. That's it...amnesty will show that America still has its humanity.
Second, the government needs to make the border stronger.
Third, the government needs to make the citizenship process easier and this is what I would do. Remember back in the day when all a person had to do was sign their name on a registry at Ellis Island and that was it? Well I understand that things are more complicated now, but I think we need a modern day Ellis Island along the Mexican border. I think this facility would be a place anyone wishing to come to the United States can go. Officers would run criminal background checks and make sure they have no connections to dangerous drug cartels. They would register all family members coming with them and they would give them a work or school visa, whatever reason they are coming here.
So now there is a number attached to them so they can be monitored. The government should monitor them for six months. They should make sure the person finds a legitimate job. They should make them take English classes. The children will have to be enrolled in school and attending regularly. They have to show they will be productive members of this country. (Unfortunately a lot of American citizens aren't productive but that's beside the point).
After monitoring them for six months and they have kept a steady job, haven't committed a crime, have learned enough English to function, their children are in school and doing well, and have taken the pledge of allegiance, then make them a citizen. And get rid of that damn citizenship test. Most natural citizens of the US can't pass that test.
After that process is done, they are citizens. Do you know how much more revenue the government would have with 10-15 million more people paying taxes?
I think sometimes Americans forget our ancestors were immigrants. I think we forget to be humane and forget they are coming here for a better life. I'm flattered that these people are willing to risk their lives to come here and have real opportunities.
(I get so tired of people saying they are stealing our jobs. No, they are taking the jobs we don't want. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who want to paint houses for 14 hours a day making barely over minimum wage without health insurance. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who want to bus tables for barely anything. I'm certain there are so many of you out there who want to cut grass in 95 degree weather for 10 hours. They are taking the jobs many of us think we are too good for.)
I don't think we think about the fact that many of these people are being taken advantage of by employers. They are just so happy to be here and have that chance at the "American Dream" they are willing to do anything. They don't know their rights as employees and are okay with getting treated like trash because at least they are here. (Sometimes it's like they appreciate the benefits of this country more than we do. They are willing to work extremely hard for nothing, and are still happy. Makes me wonder.)
I am so tired of hearing stories about coyotes leaving people dead in the mountains. I'm so tired of hearing stories about coyotes killing people if their families couldn't pay their fee. We need to make the process easier, if for nothing but people's safety.
No matter what country they are from, they are still human beings. They still deserve to be treated with respect. Remember what is says on the Statue of Liberty.
"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-lost to me."

This country was founded on the idea of escaping oppression and welcoming anyone who wanted to get away from that life. We pretend we don't have enough resources, but we do. We don't think about how much we waste everyday, especially food. This country is wealthy enough to help people who would be happy with just the bare minimum.
Remember we claim to be the land of opportunity and we need to prove it. We have so much already. Unfortunately a lot of us can only see what we don't have. Why can't we share this beautiful country with others?

A Very Interesting Character

I have been watching The Tudors and I am fascinated by Henry VIII and royal culture. I have always been interested in Henry VIII. From the beginning he was arrogant, selfish, self-serving, conceited and seemed so insecure that anyone who spoke a word against him was subject to being accused of high treason. I don't know if all Kings acted like spoiled brats but he certainly had his moments.
And then he had those moments where he was considerate, understanding, loving, and even generous. There were moments where you could see his love for his queens and see his care for his children.
But then he turns around and has endless mistresses and has two of his wives beheaded.
Henry VIII was one of those people you couldn't completely love or hate. When watching the show, you see how much he is manipulated by others, but don't understand how someone with so much power and influence can be so gullible. It is like he doesn't follow his own instinct, but yet lets others tell him what to do. On the other hand, he is so consumed by narcissism, he has many people killed just to show his own power. In the beginning of the show, he asks his counsel Sir Thomas Moore if it better, as king, to be feared or loved. I guess he rather be feared.
And so many things are acceptable for the king that aren't for others. His wives just accept his inclination for adultery and just let him do what he wants. He can kill someone just because he feels like it without any sort of judicial process. He can accuse anyone of anything without real evidence. And he is King of England, so it is just automatically accepted. Even the people pretend to adore him out of fear of persecution. No wonder people wanted to escape England and come to North America.
I find his relationship with women very interesting. Now, I will say that I've only gotten to the Third Season so I'm currently watching him try to find wife number four. He claimed to love Katherine but dismissed her and threw her out like garbage when Miss Ann Boleyn came along. He even banned both his wife and daughter from court, and went through extreme measures to try to get the marriage annulled so he could marry Ann.
When he did marry Ann secretly and finally make her queen when Katherine dies, he cheats on her. He is eager to have a son, and becomes very cold to Ann when she loses two of the babies and the only child she has is a girl, the future Queen Elizabeth. I felt bad for Mary because the King sent her to take care of Elizabeth as a baby. No wonder Mary resented her so much.
Well we all know Henry had Ann's head chopped off. I didn't really like Ann, but she didn't commit the crimes of adultery and incest that he accused her off. She did conspire with her father and brother to help control England and promote the Protestant Reformation but she didn't deserve to die. The King of England just doesn't like anyone doing anything that isn't to his liking.
Before she was even dead he was already courting Jane Seymour. I liked her. She was kind and brought out the best in the King. She was definitely the opposite of Ann. She was quiet and reserved, and knew her place in court. Unfortunately she died after giving birth to their son Edward. And now the King is trying to find wife number four.
(I think I could go on and on talking about Henry VIII)
I think one of the problems Henry VIII had was that he trusted other people more than he trusted himself. He allowed all of these people come into court who had their own agendas without for a second questioning their motives. I guess there was no vetting during that time.
I can't wait until the fourth and last season comes out on DVD so I can watch it. I'm not that interested in royalty, but Henry VIII just seems so interesting. Sometimes you feel sorry for him because hardly anyone around him can be trusted. The only person I've seen that can be trusted to truly look out for the King's best interest is his friend Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk. What I like most about Charles is that he isn't afraid to confront the King on certain issues and work to get him back on the right track. He does so covertly though as to not risk banishment from court or worse.
I just don't think Henry VIII learned from his mistakes and continued to make the same ones over and over.
Now, on another note, I believe Showtime did a great job with this show. It has presented history in a very entertaining way. You don't even realize you are learning something when watching it. Also, I think the television sets are beautiful and the writing is brilliant. And I think Jonathan Rhys Meyers, in all of his sexiness, makes a great Henry VIII. I really enjoy the show.
I look forward to finishing the series and learning more about this King who is more infamous than anything. If this show is a true reflection of the King's life, he had to deal with a lot of fucking drama. However, most of it created due to the choices he made.
(There will probably be more posts concerning this time especially about the Catholic Church during that time and the protestant reformation. Maybe I'll devote a whole post just to the people he beheaded or had killed. Which was a lot. I wasn't expecting all of these people to die.)

Let's Have a Tea Party

So, I've been interested in the new Tea Party lately and trying to understand what they want exactly from the government. I'm trying to figure out if they even want a government at all.
Not all of them are crazy, although some may say that any group that believes Sarah Palin to be an outstanding leader nuts, some of their beliefs are valid. They just want less government and less taxes. Unfortunately, their reasons for wanting those things and their methods for achieving them aren't exactly sensible.
One problem I have with some is that they only want the government involved when it benefits them. So because most members of the tea party are white and middle aged, they don't want the government to take away their medicare and social security. But they want less taxes. What do they think pays for those programs?
I just don't understand exactly where they want the government involved. I mean, do they want the government regulating the financial industry to protect against another recession? Do they want federal funding for public education and public projects, such as constructing roads and bridges? Do they want the FDA, SEC, FTC, CIA, FBI, VA, SSA, and DEA to exist? Those are all funded by taxes. Do they still want the military because that is also funded by taxes. Do they still want their medicare? I mean, I don't think I've heard anything specific about what they want.
I've heard some crazy things, like getting rid of the Department of Education and eliminating welfare. And I know that for them, since they are mostly well off people, that welfare seems pointless but it does help a lot of people. I will say that welfare, of TANF as Clinton renamed it, does need to be reformed in a way that encourages people to find work and get off of it.
I heard a guest on NPR today talk about how we as Americans often forget our responsibility to take care of each other. We forget that our taxes are the reasons we have so many programs that many, including members of the Tea Party, would be reluctant to have eliminated. Yes, we pay a lot of taxes, but we do get things out of it. And I think people need to remember that. I think people need to remember the benefits of taxes.
Yes the government squanders our money on stupid earmark projects, politicians asking for money so they can have a library in their name built in their hometown. And I believe that is ridiculous. But our taxes do give us roads, public schools, interstates, welfare, CHIP, medicare, medicaid, social security, social security disability, WIC, food stamps, pay firefighters, policeman, and EMTs, pay members of the military to protect us and keep us safe, pay inspectors of the FDA to regulate our food industry and keep it as safe as possible, and provide money during natural disasters. The government isn't perfect, but it's all we have.
I will say not all members of the Tea Party are ridiculous. Most of them seem to have common sense. What upsets me is that if it doesn't benefit them personally, they don't want to help pay for it with their taxes. And you know what, my mom taught me to be generous and if I could give up a little to help someone in a major way, I should be willing to do it. And I don't mind paying more taxes so the single mother down the street can get her food stamps so she can take care of her children. I don't mind paying taxes so the elderly woman who worked her entire life can afford to get her medicine. I honestly don't mind. I am extremely blessed and it would be extremely selfish for me to deny someone else help when I have so much. I probably would spend that extra money, if taxes were reduced, on shoes. :)
I would really like to know more about this new movement because it seems utterly nonsensical. I'm even starting to feel sorry for incumbent Republican candidates running for office because the Tea Party is blaming them for things that aren't their fault. The Tea Party rather have people in there who will stand on their principles rather than people who will get things done and actually make positive changes. I think that is insane. I thought we elected officials into office to do things, not to stand on ideology while a state suffers from a lack of funding.
Maybe the members of the Tea Party just need a hug. It was so funny. I saw this member of the Tea Party movement on television with a sign that said "Keep your government hands off my medicare." Who do they think runs and funds medicare? THE GOVERNMENT. Sometimes they seem so out of touch with reality and stuck on ideology. They need to educate themselves on what goes on in this country. See some things that they haven't seen before, and perhaps realize that the tax money they are so desperate to hold onto is keeping someone off the street, someone fed, and given a child the opportunity to have health insurance.

Progress...or Lack Thereof

The draft of my novel has been done for a while now and I've only re-read the first chapter. And I'm supposed to be printing out the draft and giving it to friends to read and edit but I haven't done that either. I think the fear of criticism and rejection hasn't faded. It decreased enough for me to finish the damn thing but not enough to take the next steps. And the next steps are necessary if I'm going to get published and even become a better writer.
So next week it has to get done. I really don't know what I'm so afraid of. Writing for me is extremely personal, and for someone to say it stinks would hurt my feelings. I know I'm not the best writer in the world but I believe I'm pretty good. I think it was kind of discouraging when I read the first chapter and thought it was utter crap. And I've decided to rewrite the whole first chapter. I really don't want to read the rest and realize I need to rewrite the whole thing. That would be devastating. I do know I am my harshest critic but I have to be. If I don't like it, I'm not going to send it out to agents.
The odd things is that I'm already prepared to write my second one. I know what it's going to be about and I know the characters. And I do want to begin it, but I need to concentrate on perfecting the novel I've finished before beginning my next one.
Now onto something that actually is progressing. Remember my whole weight loss breakthrough. It is actually going very well. I've decided to take a new approach and I believe I have just finished week three and I am feeling great.
My whole focus has been on reducing the amount of carbs I consume. I'm a type 1 Diabetic and insulin makes me gain weight. So if I reduce the amount of insulin I need, I will lose weight. And the only way to reduce the amount of insulin I need is to reduce the amount of carbs I consume. As of now, I went from using about 32 units of insulin a day to averaging 25. That is a reduction of seven units a day. That may not sound like a lot, but that is over a 100 grams of carbs a day I have taken out of my diet. And for me, someone who loves her sweets and her bread, that is awesome.
I have been working out about four times a week. I actually think I'm working out too much. I mean, the focus of my workout is Pilates because I'm trying to tone up and slim down but I really shouldn't do them everyday. When working muscles, they break down. In order for them to build back stronger, you have to give them a rest and I haven't been doing that. So today, I'm taking a break from working out, the first day since last Friday.
My only fear is that I become so obsessed with burning calories that I do workout too much and completely ruin my plan. Working out too much can actually hurt a weight loss plan. It could shock your body into holding onto fat instead of burning it. (one of my many lessons learned from Dr. Oz).
So one thing in my life isn't progressing at all, my novel. And one is progressing very well, my weight loss plan. Oh, and my relationship is progressing as well. I guess I'm not doing too shabby. I just need to get my shit together concerning my novel.

Always Running For Office

Why do our politicians never actually do anything? They are always running for office, doing their best to ensure they will continue to be elected instead of doing what is right for their people. They are always trying to guarantee money in their pockets by appeasing the lobbyists and all those who contribute to their campaigns. Like my father said today, they are great at doing nothing.
I loved it when President Obama said that he would rather do good in one term than do hardly anything to get re-elected. Too bad not all of the people in politics think the same way. Our politicians choose to do the meager requirements to make sure they keep their paycheck and their privileges.
The worst part is that we keep re-electing them. We keep putting into office these arrogant, self-serving, close-minded, pretentious, assholes who only pretend to look out for our best interest to keep their power and control.
It is very interesting listening to what is going on in this country right now concerning the midterm elections. Politicians are always choosing to do what is easy instead of what is right and I am sick of it. I am sick of greedy old men sitting in Washington D.C. in their Chambers pretending to work.
Now, I understand that people have to do what they have to do to get elected, but I thought that meant they conceived of good ideas to help this country and expressed them to their constituents. Obviously I was wrong considering the political ads I've seen and heard lately. I heard one on the radio by someone running for Alabama Governor. The whole commercial was about the fact that the driving test was given in thirteen different languages. He said that if he was governor, the test would only be given in English and that if someone wants to live here, they should learn English. First of all, someone from another country may know English but may not know it very well. A driver's license is one of the first things you have to get in this country, so it would be easy to understand if at that time, their English may not be so well. It is simply a courtesy to offer it in those languages, including sign language. Second, aren't there more important things in this state to worry about than what languages the driving test is offered in? When I heard that commercial, I wondered if that politician is actually paying attention to what's going on in this state and if he has any good ideas to fix our problem.
The second problem I have about these commercials is it's no longer about policy. It's about labels. There is a commercial out there for a Republican that doesn't mention anything about what he wants to do for the country, but just says that he's a conservative and that's why we should vote for him. I don't care if you are liberal, conservative, or moderate. Tell me what you are going to try to do for this country.
There isn't any substance in these campaigns. Just a bunch of mindless bickering done by children fighting over a toy. I wish they would just stop and discuss the important things. And stop saying that a democrat voted for more abortions, and other things like that. It is just utterly ridiculous.
I believe these people are afraid to debate over the real issues and stop attacking each other over insignificant things, because if they did, people would see they have nothing real to offer this country.
Nothing gets done in this country, and it's because some, or even most, politicians are just stupid. They are greedy and care only about their own ambitions. I say we should just kick them all out of office.

"What About Your Friends"

Sometimes you have to let go, and sometimes that includes people. This week I lost my best friend. (I have to admit over something stupid) But, shit happens. And I should be more upset, but I'm not. People change and she happened to change in a way that was no longer compatible with me.
I would have loved to have been friends with her forever, but she didn't want that. And you know what, that's okay. Better that I find out how important I am to her now than five years from now. And it's okay that I wasn't important to her and our friendship wasn't worth having from her perspective. She is who she is and I cannot change that. "Know the things I cannot change." And I believe she will be a good friend to someone else; just not to me. I have this tendency to expect people to treat me the way I treat them and it just doesn't work out that way all of the time. She couldn't be the best friend I need so it was time for me to move on.
Friendship is like any relationship; it takes two people to make it work and keep it going. And for the most part, especially towards the end, I was the only person making an effort. See, she and I are different. The people in my life are very important to me, and to make sure they know it I show them. I treat them like they matter to me and I consider them in my decisions. I remember that my decisions do affect the people around me. She is a private person and is content being alone. I need people in my life, especially ones I can trust. I know at some point I'm going to need someone's help.
She was meant to come into my life for a certain time and then leave it. And now I'm ready to move on. Even though I feel like she treated me unfairly and with complete disregard, I have no ill feelings towards her. I still care about her well-being; we just can't be friends. The word "friend" means two different things to us.
So...
1. Make sure your friends know you care about them.
2. It is better to have two good friends you can trust and rely on than 50 acquaintances.
3. Don't be afraid to let go of someone if you think they are holding you back.
4. People change and you should expect them to.
5. Don't take your true friends for granted because one day you may need them, and they won't be there.
6. Don't be afraid to call your friends out on their shit.
7. Be honest but not hurtful.
8. Don't forget to have fun.
9. Let go of the past. I was trying to hold onto a friendship that hadn't truly existed for two years. Make sure what you are holding onto is real.
10. Don't treat people like they are disposable. If you do, the people that come into your life will treat you the same way.

The only way you can see what is ahead of you is to stop looking in the rear view mirror.

So remember why your friends are your friends, and if it isn't genuine, just do a little downgrade. No one should burn bridges, but make sure your friends are actually your friends before you trust them. And if a friendship ends like a bad breakup, let it go. Don't let their actions affect you in a negative way. I think that's why I'm okay. I refuse to let anything petty cause me unnecessary stress and anxiety. You know, someone telling me they didn't want to be my friend anymore would have bothered me a few years ago. But, when you discover who you are and are confident in who you are, not one person's opinion can change that. And not one person's validation will make it more true.

Resolve

My first memories of Church are laying down in the pew of New Pilgrim Baptist Church, my head in my mother's lap and sleeping. I do remember being in the choir and going to practice. Beyond that, I don't have any recollection of church. And because of that, Church had never made a lasting impression. That was until my mother converted to Catholicism. I felt at home in the Catholic Church. Church finally meant something. (It also meant service only lasted an hour.) I enjoyed the process of being confirmed in the Catholic Church and even became an altar server. I felt, and still do feel, that the Catholic Church is where I belonged.
I liked it's preachings of Grace and forgiveness. There was no mention of fire and brimstone, and I rarely heard the word hell. I liked it's emphasis on charity and having a strong faith along with living a good life. I liked it's charitable work and it's desire to help the less fortunate. Despite it's shady history, which every Church has, the good things always outweighed the bad.
When the scandal about the Priests molesting altar boys and girls became public, I was all of a sudden thrown into a unexpected internal debate. Can you have respect for a faith without respecting some of its representatives. I wondered if I should leave the Church. Then the controversy began to fade. And now it's come to the forefront again with the Pope and the possible covering up of Priest misconduct in Germany. Now I'm thinking about it again.
I love what the Church represents. I even enjoy the meditative nature of Mass. But this has got me questioning my choice to be Catholic. And I wish I knew what to do. This controversy should diminish my love of the Church but it doesn't. I remind myself on what the Church was built on, and try to ignore the political involvement and abuse of power. Those things are extremely difficult to ignore.
I try to keep in mind the Church's deep love for Christ and people, but everyday it becomes harder considering the violation of so many people due to Priests. Buried beneath all of this shit, is a good faith at it's core. It just got turned around by people who chose to ignore a problem and choose not to do what's necessary for the victims of these horrendous crimes. It breaks my heart.
But I realize that I have invested my heart and faith in God, not in Priests. They are supposed to be representatives of God, and some have taken it upon themselves to betray that role. I understand that they are human, but it is disgusting. Not just the fact that some Priests molested children, but also the Church's subsequent non-reaction by trying to hide it. They had to know it would come out sooner or later.
I don't want to leave my Church. Despite everything, that is where I feel most comfortable. The Catholic Church has given me so much, and it hurts to know that at the same time it was giving me faith and love, it was stripping others of those things. I really think the Church needs to reevaluate Canon law. Sometimes I believe the Church forgets that, despite Priests' calling to be messengers of God's word, they are still human and that humanity cannot be replaced by divinity. That humanity remains despite their vocation. Despite their vows, those desires and affinity to imperfection will always exist.
It is a frustrating dilemma, but one I am prepared to endeavor. I believe that the Church can turn back to God and remember its number one priority, which is to spread Christ's word. I believe the Church will recover, but it needs to recognize its mistakes and repent for them. The Church is not above doing the wrong thing, and now would be the perfect time for it to show its dedication to the people it has sworn to lead and represent, not to the protection of its reputation and disreputable Priest.

80% Approval

My mom is a teacher and have so much respect for her. I have been in her classroom and seen her students, and she has to put up with so much. This is the first year she comes home and tells me that her students are just awful and she just wants to quit, or at least go to another school. My mom is an amazing teacher. I have seen her take a third grader who came in reading at a kindergarten level, and the child leaves third grade reading at a fourth grade level. She is very good at what she does.
The education system in this country is horrible, and it is nice to know our President is making Reform a priority. I believe that his idea to create more charter schools is an awesome idea. And I definitely believe No Child Left Behind has been more detrimental than helpful to children. And it's good to know he wants to change No Child Left Behind.
So, this 80% approval in the title refers to how much I approve of what Obama and the Secretary of Education want to do. But I do see some problems.
First, there is too much responsibility on the teacher to improve a child's education and none on the child themselves. There are children that just do not want to learn; I've seen them in my mom's classroom. And the administration seems to be lacking in that reality. A teacher shouldn't be held totally responsible if a child is failing. When I was growing up, doing my homework and making sure my grades were good were my responsibility. I was responsible for getting my education. Of course my parents were supportive and encouraging, but if I wasn't doing well, they didn't go bless out the teacher; they punished me.
I also think we need to get out of this whole standardized test thing. Children are not standard. They learn and express their knowledge differently, and these tests don't take that into consideration. My mom spends most of her time teaching her children how to pass the damn state tests versus teaching them what third graders need to know. I didn't have these stupid tests and I did pretty damn well. Some children are like my mom. My mom is extremely intelligent, but she is horrible at taking standardized tests. She said she would get very nervous and anxious, and not do as well as she could. The administration isn't taking into account that some of these children may just be bad at taking standardized tests. I say, take the emphasis off tests and emphasize learning. I understand you have to assess how well a school is doing, but shouldn't a student's grades be enough?
Also, schools don't have enough resources. I was very lucky to have been able to go to John Carroll where I had many resources available. But not all students are that lucky. Also, teachers don't get paid enough. There are some great people out there who may be wonderful teachers, but choose not to be because the pay is so poor. (It's crazy that we pay teachers, police officers, nurses, and firefighters less than we pay athletes and actors. I think that is ridiculous. I watch Nurse Jackie and Jackie said something very interesting during one of the episodes. She said that the doctors are there to diagnose; the nurses are there to take care of the patients.)
I think that elementary school should be like middle and high school. My mom is expected to teach social studies, science, reading, spelling, and math. I think that is insane. The reason college and high school structures work is because the teachers are experts in their field. So why not have one teacher teach social studies, one reading and spelling, one math, and one science. An expert in a field would perhaps be better at communicating the information related to that field. When you get a Ph.D, you have to take an oral exam so on some level, you have to know how to communicate the information. Now, not all college professors are great, but they do know what the hell they are talking about.
Lastly, my mom spends too much of her time disciplining in her classroom. We underestimate these children. They may not be extremely book smart, but their street smarts are incredible. They are too smart for their own good. How they act in school is simply a reflection of how they act at home, and children are no longer afraid of their parents or teachers. They are no longer afraid of punishment. I was terrified to do something bad because I knew my mom and dad would be upset, and I would be punished. These children know neither their parents or teachers can do anything to them in terms of discipline. If a teacher even yells too loud, the student can go complain and that teacher could get reprimanded. These parents know their children can call the police and call their discipline, abuse. The children know no one can touch them. So they act a fool in school. I say bring back corporal punishment. I know the ACLU would have a fit at that statement, but something needs to be done. These children have no incentive to behave, so let not getting their butt kicked be an incentive.
I'd also like the Obama administration to be careful in how much they get involved in the classroom. My mom is frustrated by the amount of politics she has to deal with on a daily basis. It simply interferes with her teaching. I do not want my mom to become even more distracted by ridiculous tests and standards that keep her from actually teaching.
Education Reform is very important to me but reform has to be approached from all angles. There has to be more parental involvement and students need to be held responsible for their behavior. Teachers need to be allowed to discipline, and so do parents. Making teachers take three science and math classes is not going to improve the system. And putting special needs children in the same class as children who learn "normally" doesn't help either. Just like our children need to have a well-rounded education, reform also needs to be well-rounded.

A Breaking Point

There are things in your life that you know you should change, but are either unwilling or too lazy to change. I am guilty of that and last week I reached my breaking point.
I am a type 1 Diabetic and my weight is very important in terms of maintaining my diabetes. Now, because it is type one, and weight is usually not a factor in type one, but losing weight would keep me healthier for longer. And make my disease easier to manage.
Honestly, I hadn't realize how much I had allowed my weight to get out of control. And I have tried losing weight. The last time left me a little discouraged. For four weeks, I worked out six days a week, and I ate well. And most of those days, I worked out for over an hour. After a month of trying harder than I ever had before, I had only lost five pounds. I simply gave up and just tried to come to terms with maybe this is the weight that I'm supposed to be.
About a year and a half before that, I lost ten pounds in one month due to a medication prescribed to me by my endocrinologist. It was a medication called Symlin. It helped me lose weight because it slowed the emptying of my stomach when I ate which reduced how much I ate. And it also reduced the amount of insulin I needed which also helped me lose weight. (Insulin, ironically, can make you gain weight.) Unfortunately, I lost my insurance and couldn't keep up with it.
My breaking point was when I went to put on a skirt. (For women, I think it is probably when a favorite piece of clothing doesn't fit when we get fed up.) I loved this skirt; it is a pink skirt. And so cute! Anyway, a year and a half ago, it was too big. And when I went to put it on last week, it was too small; I couldn't even button it. *sigh* That was when I decided that I was done being this weight and I was going to lose weight.
This time, I'm approaching it in a simple manner. I believe it is the perfect method, a method I hadn't thought of before. Are you ready? I have discovered the key to weight loss! Eat less...and exercise. That's it. Before I tried counting calories and creating diet plans, and now, I'm just going to eat less and exercise. I'm just going to take it one day at a time and not put so much pressure on myself to be a certain size. (I don't really care about weight. I care about how I look in my clothes.)
I think that if I stop over-thinking the process, I will succeed. Wish me luck! As of today, I have worked out and had subway for lunch. I'm starting on the right track; I'm going to stay on it.

Why do we...

1. Ask questions we don't want the answer to?

2. Expect things of other people we don't expect out of ourselves?

3. Let things we can't control affect our lives in a negative way?

4. Feel bad when we put ourselves first?

5. Compromise when we shouldn't and remain stubborn when we should compromise?

6. Text instead of actually speaking to a person?

7. Like reality television so much?

8. Say we are fine when we want to cry?

9. Accept things the way they are when they can be changed?

10. Think tears are a sign of weakness?

11. Apologize too much?

12. Respect people who don't respect us?

13. Keep re-electing incompetent government officials?

14. Prefer to stand by principle rather than compromise to actually get something done?

15. Refuse to use the power we have?

16. Prefer to complain rather than compliment?

17. Tolerate instead of accept?

18. Settle for yogurt when we want ice-cream?

19. Get married too young?

20. Allow ourselves to be ruled by anxiety?

21. Want to grow up so fast?

22. Like to fight and argue?

23. Let financial issues drive us crazy?

24. Pretend?

25. Keep asking questions instead of trying to find answers?

The Caucasian Persuasion

I have always been open to dating anyone of any race. It is impossible to be color blind, but it can be ignored. And I have been great at ignoring it, especially considering my best friend is white. Well now I'm dating a white guy and I'm finding it awesome.
It could just be the men I'm dating, but all of the black men I've dated have had one thing in common, a very important thing. They have all been commitment phobic. Now, I'm not saying all black men are that way, but a lot of the ones I encounter do not want commitment. Ever since Usher did that song Lovers and Friends, that has become almost every black man's dream. I don't know how many times I've heard a black man say, "I'm not looking for anything serious, but I'd like to hang out." That's code for "I want to have sex and not commit."
The main problem is that all of the black men who are looking for commitment are taken, which leaves nothing for us single gals. So I decided to take the chance and date someone outside of my race.
I've never been treated so well and adored so much. He treats me like a lady and makes me feel special. I know every guy of every race is capable of that, but this is the first guy to make me feel this way, and he just happens to be white. He is also the first man to tell me he loves me and I actually believe it. :)
(By the way, I finally met his dad, step-mom, and his aunt Polly and I think they are very cool. Getting along with the family is a plus. I was so nervous and had nothing to be nervous about.)
I have always been someone who cared too much about what others think, and dating him has forced me not to care. Honestly, I haven't noticed any strange looks from strangers, but now I don't give a shit and it is awesome.
I'm not saying that black women should just give up on black men; there are some good ones out there. I'm just saying that black women should explore all of their options. I did and I found an awesome man who has been the best boyfriend. I found someone my family and friends like and treats me like I didn't know I deserved. I am happier than I have been in a long time.
The key is to not limit yourself, no matter who you are or what race you are. It's not good for anyone to limit their own possibilities. You never know who may be perfect for you and you miss the chance because of a superficial restraint you set for yourself.

Pest Control

When I think of pests, I usually think of roaches, rats, or mosquitoes. The Japanese government in the documentary The Cove called the slaughtering of dolphins pest control.
I have never had the privilege of swimming with dolphins, and after watching this documentary, I no longer have the urge to go to Sea World and play with the dolphins considering what the fisherman do to get them. I was horrified. Not just by the fact that they basically scare these dolphins into this lagoon to trap them, but the ones that dolphin trainers don't want, they brutally kill. Some of the scenes in the movie were just too horrid to even look at. I actually cried.
The Japanese government also decided to sell dolphin meat, which has toxic levels of mercury. They even decided to provide it in school lunches. So they kill intelligent beautiful animals that have been adored for saving people's lives and then sell the toxic meat to their people. I thought governments were supposed to protect people from harm.
Dolphins look like they have a permanent smile, but the leader of the movement to save them said that it was just a facade. Dolphins actually have a consciousness, and are aware of what is going on. They know they are in captivity and can actually become depressed. Dolphins cannot thrive in captivity. I learned that Dolphins have to actually make a conscious effort to breathe, unlike humans for which it is automatic. Ric, the trainer for Flipper, said that he believes Katy, the Dolphin's real name, committed suicide because she was so unhappy. She swam in his arms, looked in his eyes, took a breath and didn't take anymore. I thought that was awful and it broke my heart.
When they are being slaughtered, they know what is going on. Which is probably why they kill the dolphins trainers don't want; the government doesn't want them communicating with other dolphins not to go in the area where they can be easily caught.
I wish I could do more than just go to their website and sign a petition, but at least I feel like I am doing something. The interesting thing is that the Japanese people had no idea this was going on. They had no idea that poisonous Dolphin meat was being packaged and sold to them as whale meat. And the Japanese government is doing whatever they can to get the IWC to release the restrictions they already have on whale fishing.
I believe that people need to understand that we are all connected. Every living thing on this earth is connected in some way and the demise of a species, no matter how small it is, will lead to our demise. We may have "dominion" over plants and animals, but that doesn't mean we can do whatever we want. Why don't people realize that when our resources are depleted, our species will no longer exist. When you get a pet, in order for it to survive and thrive, you have to take care of it. Well we have to learn to look at the earth in a similar way. In order for the earth to continue to exist, we have to take care of it. We must remember, we are dependent on the earth, not the other way around. The earth can go on without us, but we cannot survive without it. The earth will continue to take care of us if we take care of it. And taking care of the earth includes animals.
This movie also made me think about consumption. One of the arguments the Japanese government made was that the dolphins were eating too many of the fish and depleting their resources. These are species of fish that were already depleting due to humans. We consume way too much. Despite the fact that they were using that argument to defend killing dolphins, it does bring up a good point. We consume more food than we actually need. Greed is going to destroy us; glutton is going to do the same. By showing respect for this planet, we are ultimately showing respect for ourselves.

Where Are The Wild Things

What makes us civilized? Is it our ability to obey laws and rules? Is it our want and need to live in a world where people peacefully coexist? Is it our will to fight for civility? Is it just because we are human?
Two days ago I watched "Where The Wild Things Are" and I loved it. I read that book everyday when I was little. (Yes I'm aware it only has like 50 words). I was impressed that Spike Jonze could take basically a picture book and transform it into such an imaginative and poignant film. I truly believe he made the movie for those of us who grew up with the book.
The thing that affected me the most was the fact that Max, the human, was less civil and mature than these things categorized as wild animals. It was interesting that the "monsters" sought civility and law and welcomed Max as their King. They were happy to have someone advise them on the best way to live their lives, and they were open to his suggestions. Unfortunately because he was a child, some of his suggestions didn't have positive outcomes, but they listened and thanked him.
I think it is awesome when a something appears to be a simple scene, yet has a profound meaning. For instance, there is a scene where Max and Carol, his best wild friend, are walking and a dog walks by. This dog is a normal size dog, but on that island, it is huge. Max believes he has gone to this world with these big monsters, but he hasn't. Compared to everything else, they are just a small part of the world. It made me think that if the Wild Things were taken out of their world and put into Max's, if they would be miniature size.
The movie also makes some important statements about life. Carol and Max wanted to build a fort where only what they wanted to happen actually happened. They realized by the end of the movie that it was impossible. Bad things are going to happen and there is nothing anyone can do to stop them. The best thing is to learn to deal with those bad things. In the beginning, the wild things asked Max if he could stop the loneliness and sadness. Max said that as their king, he would protect them from those things. And obviously he couldn't; he was incapable of keeping the sadness away. None of us are capable of keeping the sadness away.
Sometimes it's hard for us to realize flaws within ourselves and it took Max seeing his own flaws in someone else before he realized that he acted like a brat with his mother. It took him seeing his selfishness in someone else before he identified with his own self-serving and spoiled attitude. When he saw himself reflected in Carol, he was ready to go home and be a better son.
And I totally teared up at the end. When KW, probably the coolest wild thing in my opinion, said to Max before he left to go home "Please don't go. I'll eat you up. I love you so." Now, at first hearing that, someone may think that line odd. But KW "ate" max to hide him from Carol who was throwing a temper tantrum and said he wanted to eat Max because Max did something to upset him. So this action, eating someone, that we would normally perceive as violent, became something beautiful, loving, and protecting. KW was telling Max that she would protect him from the bad things; she was being like a mother.
There are a lot of great things, in my opinion, about this movie. It's hard to say whether a movie based on 50 words stayed true to the book, but I believe it stayed true to it's essence. It showed that only when we are mature, can we hear wisdom. It showed that we are a small part of a much larger universe. It showed that life is messy and things will not always go the way we want. It showed that being an animal doesn't make you wild; acting like one does. And humans are capable of acting like animals.
When Max came to the island, the wild things accepted his advice and followed him. They had questions, but ultimately they believed that his way would be better than the way they were living. In the end, they were wrong. The way they lived was suitable for them, and they learned to trust what they believed was right for them and their community.
There was a lot of emphasis on the inevitability of change and the need to accept and welcome it. Change is a part of life, and it is important to learn to adapt instead of fighting against it.
I thought the movie was amazing, despite others' opinions. My judgment could be swayed by my attachment to the book, but I believe it has it's merits. A supposedly civilized human may have come to an island full of monsters, but the monsters weren't the wild things. Max was the wild one.
(A little side story. I work at Blockbuster and I hear some crazy things. Two guys came in one day to rent this movie and they were talking about how they were excited to see it and started talking about Spike Jonze. Before they left, they said it was crazy how he went from making Jungle Fever to Where The Wild Things Are. Now, I didn't say anything, but trust me, when they left, I laughed. I mean, Spike Lee did Jungle Fever not Spike Jonze. I thought it was hilarious.)

"A Serious Man" Is Some Serious Shit

Last night I watched the movie A Serious Man and I thought it was amazing. It really made me think and I love movies that force me to rethink my life and rethink how I approach it.
I really don't want to give too much of the plot away because I want people to watch it. But a lot of bad things happen to Larry the main male character, and he can't seem to catch a break. And one of the interesting things was that the more he sought answers to his question of "why" things were happening to him, the more questions he had. He never found the answer. Why didn't he ever get an answer? Because the answer was too simple for him to realize. Bad things happen because they just do. No matter who you are or what you expect, bad things will happen and there is no way to avoid them.
The best way to expend your energy is not in trying to figure out why bad things happen, but learning how to deal with them. Frustration, stress, and anxiety are counterproductive. And those feelings only make you more open to negative experiences. The most productive thing is to cope with the bad things and move forward. It is all about perception. Things aren't naturally good or bad; we only perceive things as good or bad. I know it totally sounds like an after school special to tell you to use your bad experiences as an opportunity to change but we all should.
We can't keep bad things from happening and it's a waste of our life's energy to try to do that. I believe the Serenity Prayer asks God to help us accept the things we cannot change, change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference. It is a waste of energy and time to attempt to control the things we can't, like the ways of the universe, so we should focus on improving the things we can, like ourselves.
Also, we should have more faith in ourselves. Larry kept seeking answers from others and never found them. Perhaps if he had just took a moment and listened to his own mind, heart, and soul, he would have found answers. We have answers to our own problems but we don't trust ourselves; we don't trust the wisdom and knowledge we have concerning what we need and what is best for us. We allow other people to convince us of what we want and need and don't truly know beyond society's projections. We need to figure it out.
In the movie, Larry had this horribly obnoxious annoying son that was just a pain in the ass. The son would call Larry at work under the guise that it's an emergency, complaining that he couldn't get a certain channel on the television. He went to his own Bah Mitzvah high. Finally at the end he realized what an obnoxious child he was being. At the end, Larry's life was beginning to change and something positive finally happened. As soon as he was beginning to feel some sense of happiness and calm in his life, something destructive became imminent....something bad they couldn't affect. By the time they learned what life was really about, it was too late. We shouldn't do that. We shouldn't waste any time looking outside of ourselves for answers that reside in our own beings.
Despite the slow pace, the movie was extremely insightful. There was one quote that hit me. One character said, "Only I know my own action." On the surface that seems trivial, but at further analysis, it is beautifully complex. How many times do we assume the intentions of others based on their actions? How many times to do we assume a certain behavior is for a specific goal? How many times do we presume to know the motivations for people's behaviors? (I mean, there are professions where people make money claiming to know such things).
We cannot control how others behave, but we can control how we react to their behavior. We can't control what people say, but we can control how much it affects us. We can't control what is brought upon us, but we can control what we bring to the lives of other people. We can't control the universe, but we can control the energy we put into it.
Don't just exist, live. Don't waste time fighting what can't be fought. Don't worry about control...spend time exerting your power. Find your power and use it to positively affect your being and others. Remember who you are beneath the labels, like sister, mother, brother, niece, manager, employee, student, girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, father, writer, artist, nerd, dork, republican, democrat, independent, libertarian, conservative, liberal, musician, singer...whatever the label. Remove yourself from those things meant to put you in a easily manipulated box and just be free. :)