As I'm Crying

Has your heart ever hurt? Like something happens in your life and you can actually feel your heart begin to hurt and break? That's what happened to me Thursday February 18th at 1:40pm as I was standing in my grandmother's hospital room and the doctors proceeded to tell me my Dear only had a few hours to live.
It seemed so weird to stand there and see these unaffected doctors tell me that in a few short hours my grandmother would be dead. And by 3:50 that afternoon, she was gone. Six months ago I had to bury my other grandmother and now this coming Tuesday I have to bury my other one. I haven't even finished grieving the loss of one and now I have to grieve another.
Things can change so quickly. Just a week ago I was combing her hair and fixing her nails and now she is laying in a coffin in some funeral home waiting to be put in the ground next to her husband. And I'm finding it very difficult to keep it together.
My Dear was an amazing woman with an amazing heart. She was truly a beautiful person and it just emanated from within. Everything good about me I got from her. I have to admit, my relationship with my other grandmother had it's rocky moments. We argued sometimes and had some serious disagreements. But with Dear, there aren't any bad memories. Every moment I had with her was wonderful. She taught me to type and how to act like a lady. She taught me how to make pancakes from scratch. I could always count on Dear to have waffles and Butter Pecan icecream in her house. I remember running errands with her and she always had butterscotch candy in her purse and we always had Rally's for lunch. She would play with me outside and we would throw around this little red football.
And she always sang to me at night when I was little. Even now I can hear her voice, "You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray. You'll never know Dear how much I love you. Please don't take my Sunshine away."
She spent most of her life taking care of other people, her husband, her mother, and her aunt. And I know she was tired. And I know she's in a better place and she's resting now. But I want her here. I want to be able to brush her hair and fix her nails. I want to talk to her about General Hospital. (She's the one who got me hooked on soap operas. During the summer I would spend all day at her house and she would watch soaps from 10am until 3pm). I want her to see me get my Masters. I want her to hold my first published novel. I want her to be there when I get married. I know it sounds selfish but it's only been three days and I miss her terribly.
And I'm in so much pain and I don't know what to do with it except feel it. I got to say goodbye and I truly believed that would help. It doesn't. When someone dies, you not only lose someone you loved but you lose someone who loved you. I truly feel like a part of me is gone. I had such a deep emotional connection with Dear; nothing will be able to replace that or come close.
Right now, I either feel numb or I'm in pain. I have my moments where I laugh, but they are fleeting. And being alone at night isn't mentally healthy because there isn't anything to distract me from my thoughts. I'm currently debating whether or not I want to go see her at the funeral home. I'm not sure it's a good idea. Last July I went to see my other grandmother at the funeral home alone and I just broke down. I've already said goodbye and it may do more harm than good.
I am lucky to have such supportive friends who are doing their best to help me through this. They ask me what they can do to help and it's unfortunate there is nothing they can do to help.
My life was turned upside down in 24 hours. And now the woman I looked up to and aspired to be is gone. I'm lucky to have her in heaven on my side. I'm blessed she was not only my grandma but now she's my angel.