I was single for a long time before my current relationship...like four years. And I was okay with that. I wasn't about to lower my standards just to be in a relationship or not be the only single person in a room. One thing I liked about being single was only having to consider myself in my decisions. Because I know me...I know my personality. I know I have a tendency to put the person I'm with before myself. And well, when this "I" became a "We" despite my independent tendencies, it happened again. And my mom warned me about this. She warned me that in love, it's easy to forget about what you want and what you need for the other person. I've done that. And I can't even blame my boyfriend. He didn't ask me to be super accommodating and considerate. He didn't ask me to manipulate my plans so that they work for him too. Yeah...I wish he would acknowledge it more often, but he didn't ask me to put myself second so I can't be mad at him.
I sit here and I think about my future and he is in it. So much to the point that every night before I go to bed, I think about when he gets off work and plan my entire day's schedule so that I will be done by the time he gets off. So much so that when I decided I wanted to move overseas to Australia after I finish my Ph.D, in doing my research, I found out what would be easiest for him in the profession he wants to be in. I researched how he could do what he wants to do in Australia. And I want to go when I graduate, but he may not be done with school. I automatically just said, "okay...I'll just wait." THAT IS RIDICULOUS!! It didn't cross my mind to ask him to adjust his plans. It is my idea so I feel obligated to do the research, invest all of the energy, make the plans to save money, and adjust my plans because it is MY plan. But I want him in my life so I should be willing to sacrifice for us. Yep...us. I'm not sacrificing for me but for us. And what is he doing?
I am pissed off at myself for being complicit in this. I am pissed because I should know better. In every past relationship I was the one waiting. I was the one being patient. I was the one investing everything I had into something I believed was important. I was the one sacrificing and being the most accommodating and low-maintenance girlfriend on the planet. And they were just being themselves. They were walking around not noticing that in every decision I made, I thought about them. I was the one...making myself less important than the person I was with.
I'm going to have to stop. The "We" has go to go!!! It's nice to picture my life with this person, but it's detrimental to my "self." It overshadows who I am and what I want. I didn't think this was love. I didn't think that in order to be a couple, I had to be compromising. (and making compromises and compromising myself are two different things) It was so much easier when I just loved myself.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Managing my Life...Not Just A Disease
I almost died. Yes...I almost died. Seven years ago I was put in the hospital with a blood glucose of 965; normal is between 60 and 100. After my five days in the hospital and learning how to check my glucose level, give myself insulin shots, and learn new nutritional habits, I was sent home to now manage my new diagnosis of type 1 Diabetes. It is scary sitting in a hospital bed while you are waiting to be discharged and have a doctor tell you that you almost died. It's like now I have to spend the rest of my life trying NOT to die.
I was sad after getting Diabetes. It was and continues to be stressful, frustrating, aggravating, and imposing. Sometimes I sit in my bed and wonder if I really will have to do this for the rest of my life. I ask God for stem cell research to advance in my lifetime so they can finally have a way to regenerate insulin producing cells in the pancreas. Every three days I will have to fill a reservoir with insulin and stick myself with a needle. Every day I have to think about the carbs in what I'm eating, and if I don't know the specific number, take a guess. I have to think about doing what I can so that one day I don't have to have a limb amputated or become blind because I didn't manage the disease well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. There is nothing I can do about this damn disease besides treat it; there isn't currently a cure. I want to live a good life. I want to be as healthy as I can, and so I have to make sure to manage my blood sugar levels. And honestly, it's a never-ending struggle. Managing diabetes becomes more difficult as I get older, so if I don't keep it under control now, it will never be. And let's not talk about the potential dangers and complications when I have children. I don't even want to think about that.
My endocrinologist told me that losing weight would help in managing my disease. (It's interesting that I call it my disease. I own it; it doesn't own me). I have type 1 so it wasn't brought on my weight issues. But, the less you weigh, the less insulin you need. Because guess what; insulin makes you gain weight. So the medication I need to live makes me gain weight, which is completely counterproductive. So now on top of the insulin I take Symlin. It is a medication that does a couple of things. First, it slows the emptying of my stomach so I get full quicker and eat less. And, it only allows half of the sugar I consume to be absorbed into my system. So it helps me lose weight in more than one way. The only bad side effect is that if I eat too much, I will feel bad, like painfully full. Also, the first few times I took it, it made me nauseated. (That doesn't usually happen anymore) So in order to combat the negative side effects of the medicine I need to live, I had to add another medication to my regiment. Sounds fun doesn't it.
Now, the rest of the time I feel like this disease has been a blessing. One thing is that I am definitely more conscious of what I eat. I don't eat healthy 24/7, but even being more aware of it has made me be more careful about how much of anything I put into my body. So many times we go through life on automatic; we do things without even thinking about them. I started just being more aware of my eating habits and that increase in awareness has trickled down to other parts of my life. I feel like I've become more conscious of my existence.
When I eat something now, I look at how much insulin it is going to take to keep my blood sugar normal and I ask myself "is this piece of double fudge chocolate cake the size of a small plate worth it?" The answer is usually no. So guess what...I eat a few bites. (You thought I was going to say no to the cake altogether right?) My doctor never told me I had to give up the things I loved to eat unless I was just completely incapable of self control. I gained self control and now I can have a few bites of cake and be fine. Actually, while writing this blog I was eating some candy corn. A serving of candy corn is 20 pieces so I took the amount of insulin I would need for twenty pieces. After I had the 10th piece, I was done. I'm trying to lose weight so I'm reducing the sweets. The most I eat of any candy is one serving; most times I just have half. As a result, it doesn't take that much sweet to satisfy my sweet tooth anymore. The only reason why I kept eating was because I had already taken the insulin for it and I didn't want my sugar to crash.
There goes another bad side effect to diabetes. Let me tell you...I much rather my sugar be too high than low. The feeling I get when my sugar is crashing is awful. I often can't move because any movement makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. I also get very quiet and very still, and I am easily irritated. The irritation comes from just wanting to feel better again. It also becomes hard for me to breathe. My mom gets the shakes really bad but I don't get those. And after my sugar has returned to normal, I get very tired and sleepy. It's like my body has expended all of its energy trying to return to homeostasis and there isn't any left.
So seven years after diagnosis, I am reflecting on what I have learned. I have definitely learned that a little inconvenience, no matter how annoying, is worth my life. I've learned that I can manage this disease and I have the confidence to do it. And I've learned that it's okay to get annoyed that I have a disease that will potentially be with me for the rest of my life. And I'm finally okay with that...maybe. :)
I was sad after getting Diabetes. It was and continues to be stressful, frustrating, aggravating, and imposing. Sometimes I sit in my bed and wonder if I really will have to do this for the rest of my life. I ask God for stem cell research to advance in my lifetime so they can finally have a way to regenerate insulin producing cells in the pancreas. Every three days I will have to fill a reservoir with insulin and stick myself with a needle. Every day I have to think about the carbs in what I'm eating, and if I don't know the specific number, take a guess. I have to think about doing what I can so that one day I don't have to have a limb amputated or become blind because I didn't manage the disease well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. There is nothing I can do about this damn disease besides treat it; there isn't currently a cure. I want to live a good life. I want to be as healthy as I can, and so I have to make sure to manage my blood sugar levels. And honestly, it's a never-ending struggle. Managing diabetes becomes more difficult as I get older, so if I don't keep it under control now, it will never be. And let's not talk about the potential dangers and complications when I have children. I don't even want to think about that.
My endocrinologist told me that losing weight would help in managing my disease. (It's interesting that I call it my disease. I own it; it doesn't own me). I have type 1 so it wasn't brought on my weight issues. But, the less you weigh, the less insulin you need. Because guess what; insulin makes you gain weight. So the medication I need to live makes me gain weight, which is completely counterproductive. So now on top of the insulin I take Symlin. It is a medication that does a couple of things. First, it slows the emptying of my stomach so I get full quicker and eat less. And, it only allows half of the sugar I consume to be absorbed into my system. So it helps me lose weight in more than one way. The only bad side effect is that if I eat too much, I will feel bad, like painfully full. Also, the first few times I took it, it made me nauseated. (That doesn't usually happen anymore) So in order to combat the negative side effects of the medicine I need to live, I had to add another medication to my regiment. Sounds fun doesn't it.
Now, the rest of the time I feel like this disease has been a blessing. One thing is that I am definitely more conscious of what I eat. I don't eat healthy 24/7, but even being more aware of it has made me be more careful about how much of anything I put into my body. So many times we go through life on automatic; we do things without even thinking about them. I started just being more aware of my eating habits and that increase in awareness has trickled down to other parts of my life. I feel like I've become more conscious of my existence.
When I eat something now, I look at how much insulin it is going to take to keep my blood sugar normal and I ask myself "is this piece of double fudge chocolate cake the size of a small plate worth it?" The answer is usually no. So guess what...I eat a few bites. (You thought I was going to say no to the cake altogether right?) My doctor never told me I had to give up the things I loved to eat unless I was just completely incapable of self control. I gained self control and now I can have a few bites of cake and be fine. Actually, while writing this blog I was eating some candy corn. A serving of candy corn is 20 pieces so I took the amount of insulin I would need for twenty pieces. After I had the 10th piece, I was done. I'm trying to lose weight so I'm reducing the sweets. The most I eat of any candy is one serving; most times I just have half. As a result, it doesn't take that much sweet to satisfy my sweet tooth anymore. The only reason why I kept eating was because I had already taken the insulin for it and I didn't want my sugar to crash.
There goes another bad side effect to diabetes. Let me tell you...I much rather my sugar be too high than low. The feeling I get when my sugar is crashing is awful. I often can't move because any movement makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. I also get very quiet and very still, and I am easily irritated. The irritation comes from just wanting to feel better again. It also becomes hard for me to breathe. My mom gets the shakes really bad but I don't get those. And after my sugar has returned to normal, I get very tired and sleepy. It's like my body has expended all of its energy trying to return to homeostasis and there isn't any left.
So seven years after diagnosis, I am reflecting on what I have learned. I have definitely learned that a little inconvenience, no matter how annoying, is worth my life. I've learned that I can manage this disease and I have the confidence to do it. And I've learned that it's okay to get annoyed that I have a disease that will potentially be with me for the rest of my life. And I'm finally okay with that...maybe. :)
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Did You Miss Me?
I haven't blogged in forever. I missed it; I believe it brought me a sense of peace because I was able to vent and put into words my frustrations with this world, my government, other people etc. Well, I am going to make a concerted effort to blogging again on a regular basis. I know not many people see it or read it...but perhaps something I say will resonate and affect someone's life in a positive way.
What have I been doing?
One, I finished the rough draft of my novel. Yes...you can give a resounding hooray. Now, the annoying part. Writers love to write, but most writers don't like to edit. You create something. Finishing that creation was a task itself. Now, you have to go back and find all of the things that are wrong with it. And if you want to publish, you have to struggle between what would get it published and maintaining the integrity of your work. It isn't easy and finding the balance is essential. I hope to be done editing the first draft by the end of this month and then search for an agent. Which, after some research, has become daunting. There are so many agents out there I don't know where to begin. Luckily, I have an awesome former English professor who is helping me.
Secondly, I started Graduate school Yes...go ahead...give it another hooray. :) The hardest part hasn't been the material itself, but learning to manage my time again. I enjoy the material and I'm a nerd so I enjoy going to class and learning. Despite the having to get up at 7am every Saturday to drive 45 minutes to school, and possibly run into some crazy game day traffic, ROLL TIDE, I still look forward to it every week. Does that make me weird? Also, I've decided to go beyond a Masters in Social Work and get my Ph.D with a concentration in policy. I'm actually excited about the research and writing I will get to do.
Third, honestly, I've been entrenched in my relationship with my boyfriend. I know, it's sad, and I shouldn't let my relationship take over my whole life, but I love him. What can I say? I actually like spending time with him. Isn't that a good thing?
If I'm not doing schoolwork, or working, I'm with him. And I'm not ashamed of that.
Speaking of work, the fourth thing I've been doing is looking for another job so I can quit blockbuster. They just pissed me off a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to get over it. I was going to stay there until I finished Graduate School, but now, I am looking forward to the prospect of leaving. To make a long story short, my District Manager, who is a HORRIBLE person, forced me to resign from my supervisory position because I'm not available to work on Saturdays because of school. Now, I've been in school since June. You come and tell me that I have to be available on Saturday four months later?! I don't think so. I told the store manager in my interview that I wouldn't be able to work Saturdays starting in June and nothing was said. He said that was fine as long as I had a certain number of available shifts total. When my D.M. interviewed me she didn't ask about my availability or tell me about it. So I reported her to the ethics board. Nothing will probably be done but I did my part and I feel good about that. I actually have an interview tomorrow at Brookwood Hospital. I am totally excited and praying that I get the job.
I really feel like so much has gone on. I am now one year older...my birthday was September 19th. My birthday present to myself was a new tattoo. It is beautiful. It took four hours to do, and it's not completely done, and cost a bit of money, but it was worth it. Besides that, I had a very low key birthday which was awesome.
I went on my first vacation with my boyfriend to Savannah, Georgia. That was an amazing trip. It is the perfect place to go if you just want to relax and chill. I can go clubbing and bar-hopping at home. When I'm on vacation, I want to relax. And eat a lot of good food. And let me tell you, there is a lot of GREAT food in Savannah. We stayed like 8 hours longer in the city on our last day just so we could go to Paula Deen's restaurant. And it was sooooooooo worth it; the food was heavenly. I really want to go back to the city soon. It was beautiful and fun.
I got to meet Michele Norris from All Things Considered on NPR. I went to hear her talk about her new book and it was wonderful. Two hours went by so quickly. She is extremely smart and intelligent. I haven't finished her book yet but I'm working on it.
Oh...and speaking of books...my boyfriend let me borrow this book by Robert Jordan called The Wheel of Time. I'm not usually a fantasy novel person, but I enjoyed it. It took me like six months to read because my life has been so hectic. I will say this though. He is like encouraging me to read all of these books he likes. I just haven't convinced him to read the type of books I'm more interested in. I have to admit, my boyfriend is one of those people who tries really hard to get you to like the things he does. He even tries to get me to play his XBOX. I like video games...but I am definitely more of a Wii girl. :)
I did something else and it is directly related to video games. I don't know if I lost my mind for 24 hours but I actually went to Best Buy with my boyfriend for the midnight Halo Reach release. And...played with a Halo Reach sword. And...wore a Halo Reach beanie. And...hold on...wait for it...I encouraged him to play as much as he wanted. I do believe I lost a few brain cells. That is the only thing that could account for that behavior.
And people...I have decided to move to Australia when I finish school. That won't be for a few years, but I am already excited. I feel like I need to get excited about it now so I will always keep that goal in mind and work towards it. I would need to save some money so it's important that I start working towards that now. And since my Ph.D will concentrate in policy, I can work in a little international policy there too. I think that would make me a valuable Social Worker or professor in Australia.
Now, I will tell you. When I told James, he was all for it. But he is so chill about it, it makes me uneasy. I don't know if it's indifference but I needed a reaction from him and I'm not getting one. Honestly, the only thing I've ever seen him get outwardly excited about was Halo Reach and a new laptop his dad gave him. Oh...oh...and a flat screen tv. So I guess I should have expected a blah reaction. It's just his personality; I can't change that. But I need something.
So I guess I've got you all caught up. I'm doing well in school. I'm doing well in my relationship. I've got some great future plans for myself, and I'm looking forward to no longer being an employee of Blockbuster. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well...when it comes to me I'll just write another blog. :)
What have I been doing?
One, I finished the rough draft of my novel. Yes...you can give a resounding hooray. Now, the annoying part. Writers love to write, but most writers don't like to edit. You create something. Finishing that creation was a task itself. Now, you have to go back and find all of the things that are wrong with it. And if you want to publish, you have to struggle between what would get it published and maintaining the integrity of your work. It isn't easy and finding the balance is essential. I hope to be done editing the first draft by the end of this month and then search for an agent. Which, after some research, has become daunting. There are so many agents out there I don't know where to begin. Luckily, I have an awesome former English professor who is helping me.
Secondly, I started Graduate school Yes...go ahead...give it another hooray. :) The hardest part hasn't been the material itself, but learning to manage my time again. I enjoy the material and I'm a nerd so I enjoy going to class and learning. Despite the having to get up at 7am every Saturday to drive 45 minutes to school, and possibly run into some crazy game day traffic, ROLL TIDE, I still look forward to it every week. Does that make me weird? Also, I've decided to go beyond a Masters in Social Work and get my Ph.D with a concentration in policy. I'm actually excited about the research and writing I will get to do.
Third, honestly, I've been entrenched in my relationship with my boyfriend. I know, it's sad, and I shouldn't let my relationship take over my whole life, but I love him. What can I say? I actually like spending time with him. Isn't that a good thing?
If I'm not doing schoolwork, or working, I'm with him. And I'm not ashamed of that.
Speaking of work, the fourth thing I've been doing is looking for another job so I can quit blockbuster. They just pissed me off a couple of weeks ago and I'm not going to get over it. I was going to stay there until I finished Graduate School, but now, I am looking forward to the prospect of leaving. To make a long story short, my District Manager, who is a HORRIBLE person, forced me to resign from my supervisory position because I'm not available to work on Saturdays because of school. Now, I've been in school since June. You come and tell me that I have to be available on Saturday four months later?! I don't think so. I told the store manager in my interview that I wouldn't be able to work Saturdays starting in June and nothing was said. He said that was fine as long as I had a certain number of available shifts total. When my D.M. interviewed me she didn't ask about my availability or tell me about it. So I reported her to the ethics board. Nothing will probably be done but I did my part and I feel good about that. I actually have an interview tomorrow at Brookwood Hospital. I am totally excited and praying that I get the job.
I really feel like so much has gone on. I am now one year older...my birthday was September 19th. My birthday present to myself was a new tattoo. It is beautiful. It took four hours to do, and it's not completely done, and cost a bit of money, but it was worth it. Besides that, I had a very low key birthday which was awesome.
I went on my first vacation with my boyfriend to Savannah, Georgia. That was an amazing trip. It is the perfect place to go if you just want to relax and chill. I can go clubbing and bar-hopping at home. When I'm on vacation, I want to relax. And eat a lot of good food. And let me tell you, there is a lot of GREAT food in Savannah. We stayed like 8 hours longer in the city on our last day just so we could go to Paula Deen's restaurant. And it was sooooooooo worth it; the food was heavenly. I really want to go back to the city soon. It was beautiful and fun.
I got to meet Michele Norris from All Things Considered on NPR. I went to hear her talk about her new book and it was wonderful. Two hours went by so quickly. She is extremely smart and intelligent. I haven't finished her book yet but I'm working on it.
Oh...and speaking of books...my boyfriend let me borrow this book by Robert Jordan called The Wheel of Time. I'm not usually a fantasy novel person, but I enjoyed it. It took me like six months to read because my life has been so hectic. I will say this though. He is like encouraging me to read all of these books he likes. I just haven't convinced him to read the type of books I'm more interested in. I have to admit, my boyfriend is one of those people who tries really hard to get you to like the things he does. He even tries to get me to play his XBOX. I like video games...but I am definitely more of a Wii girl. :)
I did something else and it is directly related to video games. I don't know if I lost my mind for 24 hours but I actually went to Best Buy with my boyfriend for the midnight Halo Reach release. And...played with a Halo Reach sword. And...wore a Halo Reach beanie. And...hold on...wait for it...I encouraged him to play as much as he wanted. I do believe I lost a few brain cells. That is the only thing that could account for that behavior.
And people...I have decided to move to Australia when I finish school. That won't be for a few years, but I am already excited. I feel like I need to get excited about it now so I will always keep that goal in mind and work towards it. I would need to save some money so it's important that I start working towards that now. And since my Ph.D will concentrate in policy, I can work in a little international policy there too. I think that would make me a valuable Social Worker or professor in Australia.
Now, I will tell you. When I told James, he was all for it. But he is so chill about it, it makes me uneasy. I don't know if it's indifference but I needed a reaction from him and I'm not getting one. Honestly, the only thing I've ever seen him get outwardly excited about was Halo Reach and a new laptop his dad gave him. Oh...oh...and a flat screen tv. So I guess I should have expected a blah reaction. It's just his personality; I can't change that. But I need something.
So I guess I've got you all caught up. I'm doing well in school. I'm doing well in my relationship. I've got some great future plans for myself, and I'm looking forward to no longer being an employee of Blockbuster. I feel like I'm forgetting something. Oh well...when it comes to me I'll just write another blog. :)
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