Friday, October 22, 2010

Managing my Life...Not Just A Disease

I almost died. Yes...I almost died. Seven years ago I was put in the hospital with a blood glucose of 965; normal is between 60 and 100. After my five days in the hospital and learning how to check my glucose level, give myself insulin shots, and learn new nutritional habits, I was sent home to now manage my new diagnosis of type 1 Diabetes. It is scary sitting in a hospital bed while you are waiting to be discharged and have a doctor tell you that you almost died. It's like now I have to spend the rest of my life trying NOT to die.
I was sad after getting Diabetes. It was and continues to be stressful, frustrating, aggravating, and imposing. Sometimes I sit in my bed and wonder if I really will have to do this for the rest of my life. I ask God for stem cell research to advance in my lifetime so they can finally have a way to regenerate insulin producing cells in the pancreas. Every three days I will have to fill a reservoir with insulin and stick myself with a needle. Every day I have to think about the carbs in what I'm eating, and if I don't know the specific number, take a guess. I have to think about doing what I can so that one day I don't have to have a limb amputated or become blind because I didn't manage the disease well.
Sometimes I feel like I'm being punished. There is nothing I can do about this damn disease besides treat it; there isn't currently a cure. I want to live a good life. I want to be as healthy as I can, and so I have to make sure to manage my blood sugar levels. And honestly, it's a never-ending struggle. Managing diabetes becomes more difficult as I get older, so if I don't keep it under control now, it will never be. And let's not talk about the potential dangers and complications when I have children. I don't even want to think about that.
My endocrinologist told me that losing weight would help in managing my disease. (It's interesting that I call it my disease. I own it; it doesn't own me). I have type 1 so it wasn't brought on my weight issues. But, the less you weigh, the less insulin you need. Because guess what; insulin makes you gain weight. So the medication I need to live makes me gain weight, which is completely counterproductive. So now on top of the insulin I take Symlin. It is a medication that does a couple of things. First, it slows the emptying of my stomach so I get full quicker and eat less. And, it only allows half of the sugar I consume to be absorbed into my system. So it helps me lose weight in more than one way. The only bad side effect is that if I eat too much, I will feel bad, like painfully full. Also, the first few times I took it, it made me nauseated. (That doesn't usually happen anymore) So in order to combat the negative side effects of the medicine I need to live, I had to add another medication to my regiment. Sounds fun doesn't it.
Now, the rest of the time I feel like this disease has been a blessing. One thing is that I am definitely more conscious of what I eat. I don't eat healthy 24/7, but even being more aware of it has made me be more careful about how much of anything I put into my body. So many times we go through life on automatic; we do things without even thinking about them. I started just being more aware of my eating habits and that increase in awareness has trickled down to other parts of my life. I feel like I've become more conscious of my existence.
When I eat something now, I look at how much insulin it is going to take to keep my blood sugar normal and I ask myself "is this piece of double fudge chocolate cake the size of a small plate worth it?" The answer is usually no. So guess what...I eat a few bites. (You thought I was going to say no to the cake altogether right?) My doctor never told me I had to give up the things I loved to eat unless I was just completely incapable of self control. I gained self control and now I can have a few bites of cake and be fine. Actually, while writing this blog I was eating some candy corn. A serving of candy corn is 20 pieces so I took the amount of insulin I would need for twenty pieces. After I had the 10th piece, I was done. I'm trying to lose weight so I'm reducing the sweets. The most I eat of any candy is one serving; most times I just have half. As a result, it doesn't take that much sweet to satisfy my sweet tooth anymore. The only reason why I kept eating was because I had already taken the insulin for it and I didn't want my sugar to crash.
There goes another bad side effect to diabetes. Let me tell you...I much rather my sugar be too high than low. The feeling I get when my sugar is crashing is awful. I often can't move because any movement makes me feel like I'm going to pass out. I also get very quiet and very still, and I am easily irritated. The irritation comes from just wanting to feel better again. It also becomes hard for me to breathe. My mom gets the shakes really bad but I don't get those. And after my sugar has returned to normal, I get very tired and sleepy. It's like my body has expended all of its energy trying to return to homeostasis and there isn't any left.
So seven years after diagnosis, I am reflecting on what I have learned. I have definitely learned that a little inconvenience, no matter how annoying, is worth my life. I've learned that I can manage this disease and I have the confidence to do it. And I've learned that it's okay to get annoyed that I have a disease that will potentially be with me for the rest of my life. And I'm finally okay with that...maybe. :)

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