I Am Not...Afraid Of Rejection

Currently I am working on a novel and it's exciting that I'm halfway done. Five months ago I was fired from a terrible job. A week after losing my job, my dad gave me a laptop. I believe that was the universe telling me that now was the time to start. There was no need to wait. (I really didn't know why I was waiting in the first place.)
So I began the endeavor of finishing my first novel and eventually having a published work. Well...the money I had could only last me so long and eventually I could no longer focus on writing and finding a job became my first priority. I was so worried about not finding anything, I was too distracted to write.
Well, I found a job. Then I realized that I needed to work on completing my Graduate School application and again, writing my novel went to the wayside. I was still writing, but not nearly as much as before. I began writing in the middle of October and by the middle of December, I had completed half of the novel, or at least what I think is the halfway point.
Now, I have completed everything for Graduate School and it would appear I have no more distractions. I will admit, I got a new boyfriend in November and he became a distraction too. But now, I shouldn't have anything keeping me from finishing my novel. And I've come up with many excuses. When I began the novel, I would go to the Botanical Gardens three or four times a week and write there. I would also go to Barnes and Noble. I loved writing outside and for some reason, leaving the house made it easier for me to focus on my goal. If it makes any sense, I left the house for the sole reason of working on my novel so mentally it was easier for me to focus. It would be stupid to leave the house for a reason and not follow through; it would have been a waste of time.
Anyway, I digress. Besides being more distracted at home, other excuses were being too tired to write or being distracted by life's obligations. I would never force myself to write; I felt if I forced it, my writing wouldn't be as good. (I still stand by that last one. I know myself and I know that to be true.)
Today, however, I had a revelation. The previous excuses were true, but the main reason I haven't finished is my fear of rejection. I want to get published and there is a 100% probability that my manuscript will get rejected by publishers. And that is creating anxiety. People are going to read my writing, something I hold very dear to me and something I believe very personal, and tell me it's crap, it's semi-crap, it's okay, it's good, or it's worth publishing. Editors are going to tear my words apart, and it's a necessary part of the process to having my book on a shelf in Books A Million.
Somehow I have connected being published i.e. being validated, as defining me as a writer. It just needs to sink in that I am a writer and 15 rejections doesn't make me any less of one. I wish I didn't care so much what other people thought and could be happy just knowing it was finished, but I do care. I do want people to like it and I do want people to enjoy the words that I have carefully crafted together.
I remember sitting in the Botanical Gardens one day unable to focus. See, I am addicted to NPR and that day, a critic happened to be talking about his opinion of a new novel. He tore that book to shreds! It freaked me out and hindered my own creative process. I was blocked by my own fear; I had to call my younger brother for a pep talk.
This fear has been keeping me from doing something I have wanted to do. I can't let that continue. Everyone is afraid of something, but when that fear takes over and dictates your actions, that's when it becomes a problem.
I need to have more faith in myself and in my abilities as a writer. I may not be the next Toni Morrison or Phillip Roth, but I am a good writer. As long as I recognize and know that, I do not need the approval or validation of an editor, publisher, or anyone else. I can now focus on just doing something I love.